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more thoughts from the front desk..

Here I am again, sitting across from the front window of the salon staring out at Ventura Boulevard. A helicopter circles, an older woman in athleisure and prada sunglasses crosses the street, my bosses wear matching new balances, TV Girl's 'Lover's Rock' plays through the surround sound..... Ahhhh Los Angeleez....

I've been reluctant to update my blog. Last time, my mom sent me screenshots correcting my grammar, with red circles and the whole bit. Wel, Gues wat mom;? ths time I'm takng thi$, shit seesusly/Q!!

I have so many things I'd like to write about. That's my problem, my brain is always setting ten little internal fires and then panicking about how to put them out. I'm behind in class - I have to take care of this - Okay I'll do that tomorrow at 3 - BUT WHAT About WORK? My boss wants me to - Okay okay I'll tell her - Wait my car is a piece of shit - okay So I'll - wait - and - blah blah blah. You catch my drift. Last night I listened to a sleep meditation. God, I haven't meditated in while, I was really rusty.

I spend all this time in acting school "releasing tension," "staying grounded," "BREATHING," and I swear, in the moment I feel very mindful about it all, but the only occasion I truly feel like I can extend the time between my thoughts and be legitimately present in, is when I'm actually acting. I haven't found myself feeling that way while meditating or warming up or singing or performing in other capacities for quite a while. The show that I'm currently in is reminding me that there is no other kind of presence as captivating and interesting on stage as an actor who is actually '''living truthfully under imaginary circumstances''' - it's a very meditative thing. The same thing happens to me when I'm meditating that I try my best to avoid while acting: that "god I am so present right now" internal monologue, "im so fucking good at meditating i'm like totally at peace right now," = "wow I'm really in character right now/im totally doing what my character would do in this moment." Dumbest shit ever... I'm like so clear-minded right now? LOL. As I become more aware of this, I allow myself to just live on stage and not 'muscle it.' I let myself observe moment to moment all of the different aspects of the imaginary circumstances as they arise, just as we do constantly and accidentally in real life.

Anyway, those are my musings on acting and presence at the moment. I have to sweep up some clumps of hair now.

Bye bye! Bevy

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